i need to find something other than pills to motivate me lol

i have so many things i need to get done this month.

i hope i am just PMSing. i've been revisiting old habits.

life is kind of terrible and there's nothing anybody can do because i am selfish like that.

maybe things will pick up soon.

i hate adderall!!! i hate how wonderfully focused and capable i am when i take it, because i know in 6 hours or so it will wear off and i will be a completely useless blob and it will make me cry and sleep.

but i had to take one today to paint a picture for naomi, and also, tidy up my room, make a mixtape to go with the painting, and do my laundry.
although the Science of Sleep is on right now and I am waiting until it is over to start on anything because it has been a while since i have seen it and it is very comforting. I love Michel Gondry films, because they are like platonic cuddling with an old friend. You get to know it inside out, and it gets better every time you watch it because of that. I feel incredibly safe when i watch his movies. I guess that is why I don't understand people who say they don't like his films, or find them pretentious. I think they just "don't get it." or maybe if you do not like it, it is because "It is not /for/ you." I remember when I first saw the Science of Sleep. We were studying romanticism in american literature, it was playing at la font, I insisted that I needed to see it to write a paper. My sister took me to see it. I felt like it was made just for me. I fell in love with Stephane. I wrote my paper on a typewriter (although, i wrote all of my papers on a typewriter in 11th grade). She took points off because she thought I had confused the meaning of "romantic" when I was discussing the difference between Stephan and Guy but it was just a coincidence that they were talking about sex vs. love. Anyway I am rambling because I'm hopped up on amphetamine salts.

I am considering applying to an art school to major in graphic design and minor in sequential art, and that is also how i know that the adderall has kicked in. I told my mom, she said I should still go to community college first. I am having irrationally rational thoughts of grandeur. Financial things will probably still give me a panic attack though, so I am not even going to look into it right now. I am not ready. One day I will be. My heart is racing. It would probably kill me right now. Or I am just making excuses because I am fear rejection (intentional grammatical error) and I don't want to go back to Riverwood to get my transcripts. No, but the root is mainly: wow that is a shit load of money that i do not have and i do not trust myself to be able to work hard enough to be successful enough to ever make it worth it. Everything else is excuses. I am afraid of money and working.

Being chemically dependent is lame. I went a long time trying to live without it, and I did nothing of merit in that time period. If I am a robot, my programming was incomplete, and I need certain add-ons to run properly. Sad but ultimately true.

I don't know why I have it built into my head that I can be "a great artist." I guess because I am so fucked up, I am trying to reason that I must be talented, because lots of talented people are fucked up. But I am just an average person with average problems.

I am so much like Stephane. Living in my dreams. I take the ingredients from life and rearrange them into something more aesthetically pleasing. I wish I could sleep all the time because everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. People are puppets for kissing and acting the way I want them to. I am always so surprised at their compliance. I have no control in reality. Sometimes I get so used to the success in my dreams that I will try something in reality with the same fervor because I have forgotten that when I am awake, failure exists and it is unforgiving. I try not to be crushed, I try to convince myself that it is the journey, not the ends, that matters. But real life is Sisyphean, and I am always in despair when I watch the boulder roll back down the mountain. In my dreams, they form a tower atop Mt. Everest. I guess I need a religion? I will come up with something. It is too late in the year now to be setting goals, so I suppose my 2010 resolution will be: to learn how to live in Reality. That is what is keeping me back. Everybody else makes it look so easy, but I know it isn't. They just have more drive than me.

they've kicked in hehehe


LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND LIFE IS LOVE AND I LOVE LIFE & I LOVE LOVE!!!!!!

i am sick of drinking i am sick of stealing pills it is like borrowing somebody else's glasses they work i guess but its always either too strong or too weak i guess i want to go back on anti-depressants but i doubt i will get them and to be honest i don't i think i would need any sort of chemical dependency if i could just fall in love and have it work out all right. i wouldnt have to worry about loneliness and focus my attentions on important shit like growing up and not constantly have this swarm in my chest downtalking me trying to make me paranoid and withdrawn. i want to worry about politics and world issues and money and education, but i am too hung up on "why wont anybody love me as more than a friend." everybody worries about that, but it seems like most people are smart enough to keep it in the background.

basically, being happy is incredibly difficult, i wish it wasn't such a major obstacle in my "moving forward." i can't just "get over it." sorry. i can't.

i for one would love to be a brick in a wall. everyone else makes it seem so natural and easy. i want to look like that, i want to think like that, but when i try it just doesn't feel right, i look in the mirror and my hair is a dull colour and i panic and i want to scream "WHO ARE YOU", my bones don't jut out at angles i feel soft and squishy and i have lovehandles and my gut hangs over my jeans sometimes and i panic and want to cut off own my flesh until i have carved away everything that does not fit into my waif "ideal" like michelangelo chiseling away at a block of marble to reveal the masterpiece inside, i never realise how warped my view on everything is until i get in a conversation with a normal person and i just have to stop talking because everything they say disgusts me even though i am probably the one who is "wrong."

i'd like for once to think "i am not crazy."
i'd like for once to be "accepted."
i'd like to emulate someone i'm not and succeed, dust my hands of myself and say "and nothing of value was lost."
i want to blend in, i want to commit mental suicide, i want to be grey and invisible and respectable.

one could chalk it up to simply "i need to get laid," but it is more than that, i need to get laid and have it actually mean something, and i am unfortunately too smart to let myself get "taken advantage of".

i am a lot more stable than i used to be, i have noticed this lately, my brain is still an evil force hellbent on my destruction, but at least i know that most of my negative thoughts are lies, and i can catch them before i fuck up too much. if i could find a way to mute them, that would be great. because they sound just like my regular thoughts and it just gets confusing. i envy people who hear voices. at least they can tell the difference between the crazy and the regular. but because i still have these thoughts i know i am no where near "better." i need ludvico, lets bring back shock treatment, what's a girl gotta do to get a lobotomy. i am not crazy enough to be institutionalized, they say, but i am still too crazy to function in this society, i am definitely too retarded to be loved. i'm better than i used to be, true, but i don't think anybody actually realises just how bad i used to be.

i have a dr's appt on thursday. i am trying to think of what i am going to say that will be convincing enough that i need a prescription. most likely i will just sit in silence and try to not cry when i am being questioned because i do not want to answer and then be sent out, empty handed. i hate this shit.