i hate adderall!!! i hate how wonderfully focused and capable i am when i take it, because i know in 6 hours or so it will wear off and i will be a completely useless blob and it will make me cry and sleep.
but i had to take one today to paint a picture for naomi, and also, tidy up my room, make a mixtape to go with the painting, and do my laundry.
although the Science of Sleep is on right now and I am waiting until it is over to start on anything because it has been a while since i have seen it and it is very comforting. I love Michel Gondry films, because they are like platonic cuddling with an old friend. You get to know it inside out, and it gets better every time you watch it because of that. I feel incredibly safe when i watch his movies. I guess that is why I don't understand people who say they don't like his films, or find them pretentious. I think they just "don't get it." or maybe if you do not like it, it is because "It is not /for/ you." I remember when I first saw the Science of Sleep. We were studying romanticism in american literature, it was playing at la font, I insisted that I needed to see it to write a paper. My sister took me to see it. I felt like it was made just for me. I fell in love with Stephane. I wrote my paper on a typewriter (although, i wrote all of my papers on a typewriter in 11th grade). She took points off because she thought I had confused the meaning of "romantic" when I was discussing the difference between Stephan and Guy but it was just a coincidence that they were talking about sex vs. love. Anyway I am rambling because I'm hopped up on amphetamine salts.
I am considering applying to an art school to major in graphic design and minor in sequential art, and that is also how i know that the adderall has kicked in. I told my mom, she said I should still go to community college first. I am having irrationally rational thoughts of grandeur. Financial things will probably still give me a panic attack though, so I am not even going to look into it right now. I am not ready. One day I will be. My heart is racing. It would probably kill me right now. Or I am just making excuses because I am fear rejection (intentional grammatical error) and I don't want to go back to Riverwood to get my transcripts. No, but the root is mainly: wow that is a shit load of money that i do not have and i do not trust myself to be able to work hard enough to be successful enough to ever make it worth it. Everything else is excuses. I am afraid of money and working.
Being chemically dependent is lame. I went a long time trying to live without it, and I did nothing of merit in that time period. If I am a robot, my programming was incomplete, and I need certain add-ons to run properly. Sad but ultimately true.
I don't know why I have it built into my head that I can be "a great artist." I guess because I am so fucked up, I am trying to reason that I must be talented, because lots of talented people are fucked up. But I am just an average person with average problems.
I am so much like Stephane. Living in my dreams. I take the ingredients from life and rearrange them into something more aesthetically pleasing. I wish I could sleep all the time because everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. People are puppets for kissing and acting the way I want them to. I am always so surprised at their compliance. I have no control in reality. Sometimes I get so used to the success in my dreams that I will try something in reality with the same fervor because I have forgotten that when I am awake, failure exists and it is unforgiving. I try not to be crushed, I try to convince myself that it is the journey, not the ends, that matters. But real life is Sisyphean, and I am always in despair when I watch the boulder roll back down the mountain. In my dreams, they form a tower atop Mt. Everest. I guess I need a religion? I will come up with something. It is too late in the year now to be setting goals, so I suppose my 2010 resolution will be: to learn how to live in Reality. That is what is keeping me back. Everybody else makes it look so easy, but I know it isn't. They just have more drive than me.
- Mood:
Artistic - Watching: The Science of Sleep